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Parapelgia

作者:Squidfest
发布:LUOHUISHU98
发布日期:2020-03-06 22:39:58
更新时间:2020-03-06 22:39:58
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1.0
上古卷轴5:重置版
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他妈的纳西姆。


那就对了。操他盖伊是个骄傲自大的家伙,总是在云区和他那该死的愚蠢农场里不停地走来走去。 Pelagia的农场更好,而且距离Whiterun的大门很近。但是不,在这个混蛋上,他一直都在为自己如何到达云区而苦恼,因为他的DickTooBig(tm)。


好吧,我有个坏消息,Nazeem ...


云区域不是轮椅友善的


(免责声明:此mod的作者没有发现处于瘫痪状态且无法移动的残疾人的幽默风趣。这些人的日常生活有严重困难,除了受到尊重和支持外别无他物。但是,此mod的目的是为了使终身麻痹的诅咒归咎于应有的那种混蛋。)


作为龙之胎,您随意宣誓干预和/或终结Skyrim各个居民的生活是您的宣誓义务。但是,由于怀特伦军营中发生的戏剧性人口危机,导致新兵从只能被称为野蛮而又不温不火的狂欢中化身*,谋杀难以摆脱,因为总是会有另一种橡子-头盔式的做事更出色,正义的约束使您宝贵的800轮失窃奶酪成为您的牺牲品。大多数警卫都不接受如此高的贿赂,因此,您那条名副其实的巨龙s积着无瑕的宝石和鲜血浸透的Septims不能使您超越法律(这是不现实的。贝塞斯达,来吧。)因此迫使您采取行动更无意义的生活,并为您附魔的武器消耗宝贵的费用。但是,殴打(无论结果多么惊人)都不会立即执行,而是会被罚款40塞普蒂姆。简而言之,纳泽姆(Nazeem)身处我们之下,以至于不愿再因与莫拉格·巴尔(Melag Bal)狼牙棒相识而愚蠢的面孔而被罚款1000金。


因此,我们现在不带杀死他就带走了一切!


假设“天际”的普通玩家每天玩“天际” 6小时(不要这样看我),或者每周42小时。以这样的速度,要想达到连续一年的游戏时间,就需要2190天的游戏时间(或者类似的情况,我无法通过统计)。好吧,最好为这个事情留出43800天(或120年)的时间,因为这种瘫痪需要20 IRL年的连续游戏时间才能消失。


到2040年在Nazeem云区见。


(现在以可选文件的形式介绍了一本有关守卫的书!我花了一个小时写它!)


*军营是根据军营中特殊的无限警卫的实际来源划分的。大多数科洛夫学者都认为,快速繁殖是这种种群发生的唯一可能方式,但是大多数军营中缺少某些原始产卵和/或产卵的动物(参见kwama),使妊娠数据受到质疑。尽管据推测“守卫者”本身就是一个物种,但没有已知的类人动物物种能够可靠地繁殖到这种程度。尼本人的学者对“守卫”完全是性繁殖这一理论提出了质疑。一些理论认为,“守卫者”的起源类似于变形虫(迄今为止在如此大的生物体中尚未见过的细胞有丝分裂的规模),而更多虚构的学者则将人口归因于大量的孤雌生殖(或产生无生命的物质)。废弃的盔甲。 Meric学者提出了一个有争议的理论,即“守卫”实际上是迄今为止尚未记录的Daedra形式,这可能表明存在一个完全未知的Daedric Prince。尚未尝试进一步的讨论,但是在“可选文件”中附有书。

————————————————————————————————————

FUCK NAZEEM.

That's right. Fuck him. Guy's a cocky piece of shit, always going on and on about the Cloud District and his goddamn stupid farm. Pelagia has a better farm and it's closer to Whiterun's gate to boot. But no, on and on this asshole goes, whinging about how he gets to the Cloud District all the time because his DickTooBig(tm). 

Well I got bad news, Nazeem...

THE CLOUD DISTRICT ISN'T WHEELCHAIR-FRIENDLY

(Disclaimer: the author of this mod does not find the handicapped state of paralyzed and otherwise immobile individuals humorous. These are people who have serious difficulties with their day-to-day lives and deserve nothing but respect and support. However, this mod's purpose is to give the curse of lifelong paralysis to the kind of asshole who deserves it.)

As the Dragonborn, it is your sworn duty to arbitrarily meddle with and/or end the lives of various denizens of Skyrim. However, due to the dramatic population crisis in the Whiterun Barracks which causes new soldiers to materialize out of what can only be described as a savage and quite tepid orgy*, murder is incredibly difficult to get away with as there will always be another acorn-helmeted do-gooder with a raging justice-boner to accost you for your precious 800 wheels of stolen cheese. Most guards do not accept bribery at a bounty of this high, so your literal dragon's hoard of flawless gems and blood-soaked Septims cannot make you above the law (which is just unrealistic. Come on, Bethesda.) and thus forces you to take more meaningless lives and consume precious charges on your enchanted weapon. However, assault (no matter how egregious the result is) is not punished with immediate execution and rather a modest 40 Septim fine. Simply put, Nazeem is so very beneath us that he isn't worth the 1000 gold fine for reacquainting his stupid face with the Mace of Molag Bal.

SO NOW WE TAKE EVERYTHING AWAY FROM HIM WITHOUT KILLING HIM!

Let's assume that the average Skyrim player plays Skyrim for 6 hours per day (don't look at me like that), or 42 hours per week. At this rate, to reach a year of straight gameplay, one would require 2190 days of play (or something like that, I'm failing Statistics). Well, better set aside 43800 days (or 120 years) for this thing to run its course, because this paralysis takes 20 IRL years of straight gameplay for this spell to wear off.

See you in the Cloud District in 2040, Nazeem.

(Now featuring a book about Hold Guards as an optional file! I spent an hour writing it!)

*Scholars are divided on the actual origin of the peculiar infinite supply of guards in the barracks. Most Colovian scholars agree that rapid breeding is the only possible way that such a population can occur, but the absence of some primordial spawning being and/or egg-producing being (see kwama) in most barracks calls the gestationary data into question. While it is postulated that Hold Guards are a species unto their own, no known humanoid species can reliably procreate to such an extent. Nibenese scholars dispute the theory that the Hold Guards reproduce sexually at all; some theorize that the genesis of a Hold Guard is akin to that of an amoeba (cellular mitosis on a scale hitherto unseen in such large organisms) while more fanciful scholars attribute the population to parthenogenesis (or inanimate matter producing living matter) stemming from an abundance of discarded armor. Meric scholars have presented the controversial theory that the Hold Guards are actually a hitherto undocumented form of Daedra, potentially indicating the presence of an entirely unknown Daedric Prince. Further discourse has yet to be attempted but a book is attached in the Optional Files.

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1.版本号: 1.0   更新时间: 2020-03-06 22:46:17

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